Late Have I Loved You

St. Augustine by Botticelli

All of us carry regrets from the past.  Things that we should or should not have done that bother and sometimes even haunt us throughout the years.  But what is regret?  

God offers us opportunities throughout our life's journey, opportunities that bring us closer to Him through the fulfillment of His plan for each of us.  Many times He calls us again and again, waiting patiently for us to respond to His call.  

Just as often as He calls us, we run from His call, fearing that it will be burdensome and steal our fun.  There is a desire to follow God, but it seems rational to wait until we are old and have had a chance to do it our own way first.  The great saint Augustine is famous for saying "God give me chastity, but not yet."  We laugh at this because it is so true, and also a little comforting to know that this headstrong man was so pursued and favored by God that he eventually gave his entire life over to him and became a saint!     

Yet, St. Augustine had many regrets looking back on his life.  Lust was certainly a sin that he found himself struggling with and knew that God wanted to relieve him of, yet he could not let go of.  How often we cling to our sin, to the point of becoming possessive of it.  We have a ridiculous fear that without sin our life will become dull.  A belief that when we give our lives over to the will of God we will be forced to live in solitude, perpetual prayer, and lead a miserable existence.  The idea that life is most fulfilling when we truly embrace it as it was made to be lived, by the one who gave us life, is not comprehensible beyond our sin.

Periodically reflecting on missed opportunities in my past, particularly from God, I wonder how differently certain instances would have been if I had not run from God.  Many people are quick to write off these missed opportunities as life lessons that make us who we are now.  This has never been sufficient for me.  Sure, all of my life experiences have influenced me, but I could say the same thing if I had gone to jail or worse.  Where does it stop?  These disobedient moments that have made me "who I am now" have made it harder for me to be who I am meant to be.  

For instance, my husband and I waited many years to meet each other.  I prayed and prayed to meet my future spouse, and the years passed empty.  When I finally did meet him and we shared stories of our past and how we had wrestled with God, it was clear that we had run from the very thing we both desired...love.  Had we submitted to God, perhaps empty years of waiting would have been filled with the companionship we now have in one another and our family.  

God offers us opportunities.  If we reject them, He does not snatch them back and withhold them from us in anger.  Rather, He waits and offers them again and again.  He continues to offer ways to straighten our crooked path until our dying breath.  God does not give up on us.  

So, what is our consequence for years of running?  Regret.  When we finally know the goodness of living in the light, we are able to look back in clarity at the wasted years.  Time only moves forward here on earth and time is precious.  St. Augustine spent so much of his life trying to disprove God and make his own way work, that when he finally accepted the truth, he was saddened by his wasted youth.  

This beautiful prayer was written by St. Augustine as a lament to God when he fully came to the realization of God's goodness that he had rejected for so long.  

EVER ANCIENT, EVER NEW

Late have I loved you, O Beauty ever ancient, ever new, 
late have I loved you! 
You were within me, but I was outside, 
and it was there that I searched for you. 
In my unloveliness I plunged into the lovely things which you created.
You were with me, but I was not with you. 
Created things kept me from you; 
yet if they had not been in you they would have not been at all. 
You called, you shouted, and you broke through my deafness. 
You flashed, you shone, and you dispelled my blindness. 
You breathed your fragrance on me; 
I drew in breath and now I pant for you. 
I have tasted you, now I hunger and thirst for more. 
You touched me, and I burned for your peace.

from The Confessions of Saint Augustine

The prayer has been put to music many times in many various forms, as music resonates deeply in our soul and breathes emotion to words.  Never have I heard a more beautiful and captivating version than this one by Scarlet Biberstein Gross: 

Late Have I Loved You

He is calling, He is shouting, let Him break through your deafness!