The Gift Giver - Love Languages

A friend recently asked my advice on how to cut off the many gifts she constantly receives from another friend.  This may not sound like a problem to some of us.  In fact, it may seem awesome.  But this is definitely a nightmare to the non-gift-givers, who find themselves hoping there is extra room in their obese Goodwill donation bag as they are unwrapping the gift.  

There are those who feel very loved through the constant act of receiving little tokens of affection from others.  There are those who find it unnecessary.  Those who feel trapped in the cycle of being indebted to the gift giver.  And then there are those who feel overwhelmed by stuff in general.  This last group might even consider that the gift giver has a serious problem with materialism, and that her insecurity compels her to pass it along to others.  

Oh, human nature, you tricky, tricky vixen!  You use our pride as yet another trap to hinder our conversation of love with one another.  You see, the problem is that we all speak a unique love language (a way that we feel valued and show others that we value them in return).  By default, we consider that everyone responds to the same language as we do.  Uh-oh, can you see where this is going?  Imagine entering a room with several different foreign speakers and not only trying to communicate with them in your native tongue, but demanding that they do as well. 

Communication is the greatest bridge between all human interactions, from friendship, to marriage, to yes; even family and in-laws relationships.  Therefore, telling the gift giver to stop gifting is like telling her not to love you in her own unique way.  It is like telling a German that you don't like their beer, or an Italian that you don't want seconds!

There are a series of books called 'The 5 Love Languages' by author Gary Chapman that do an excellent job of unlocking the mysteries of our unique expressive communication systems.  Do you show love through words of affirmation, acts of service, gift-giving, quality time, or physical touch?  It is really crucial to know this about your spouse, and thankfully the marriage prep that my husband and I underwent covered this in depth.  We were even given a book called 'The Temperament God Gave Your Spouse' by Art and Laraine Bennett.  

Before we even began our marriage, we were able to set up boundaries that would make us both feel comfortable, based on how we each react and deal with situations.  For instance, I like to talk things out right away when an issue arises, letting everything on the top of my mind fly out of my mouth.  My husband, on the other hand, likes to take some time to collect his thoughts first.  In understanding that he is not blowing me off, but rather preparing his heart for what he needs to say, I am able to respectfully give him the time he needs.  Likewise, knowing that I need to get my emotions out right away, he may hear me out first and then take time to reflect, or state a few things to hold me over before taking time to himself.   

As well, in work environments, friendships, or even communal situations it is important to recognize where another person is coming from and to attempt to speak their language, rather than forcing them to speak yours.  I'm sure we have all met the person who speaks the language of physical touch, and awkwardly heaves themselves at you as you go in for a handshake.  No doubt, I have been on both sides of that equation before.  Trust me, it's always better to go with the shake and be upgraded to a hug.  Physical touch can be a language that makes people feel secure and maternal...or it can be just plain creepy.  Know the difference!

As for the advice I gave to my friend on the gift-giver; try to redirect the gift giving if it is getting to be too much.  Let the giver know that she is appreciated and that you treasure the fact that she is keeping you in mind.  Allow her to express her love language by perhaps mentioning little things that you actually need or could use, such as things for the garden.  If you have been searching for a unique item and the gift-giver finds it for you, be sure to make a big deal about it.  This is a loving way to speak the giver's language and make her feel truly appreciated.  

Also, remember that we often desire others to respond to us in our own native tongue.  Therefore, consider thinking of the gift giver from time to time.  It is not the monetary value of the gift, but rather the appropriateness and thoughtfulness that make the giver's day.  

There is a great clip that I had to include from NBC's comedy Parks and Recreation.  Lead character, Leslie Knope is perhaps the best example of the exaggerated gift giver.  Her husband Ben and best friend Ann are struggling to keep up with all of the "special" gift-giving anniversary days that Leslie has instituted for each seemingly insignificant event in their lives.  Ben says that being married to Leslie is like "being smothered with a hand quilted pillow filled with cherished memories!"  In the clip, Ann and Ben attempt to lovingly reduce the gift exchanges and wind up commemorating a new calendar day altogether.           

The Gift Giver.wmv

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