Three Child Minimum

A child is "the supreme gift of marriage" and couples who are unable to conceive suffer greatly. After all it was a blessing unto man when God said to "Increase and multiply" (Gen 1:28).  In doing so man is able to cooperate with God's great love in the supreme gift of enlarging and enriching His family.  

It always surprises me to learn how many hot topics engaged couples do not discuss until they have actually entered into marriage with one another, namely a topic as important as the desire for children and how many each spouse is open to accepting into their family.  My husband and I had discussed this in great depth long before we ever considered engagement and we both knew that it was important to each of us to marry a spouse that did not put limits on the number of children we were willing to accept.  This of course did not negate responsible parenting  and good decision making, but it did exclude selfishness, self-serving, and putting the needs and desires of self above ourselves.   

As the child of a family of only two children, I had always greatly desired more siblings.  It is very common for children to ask their parents for more siblings, pretend they have more siblings, and be drawn toward larger families.  These are the families that have joyful and exuberant dinner conversations at a table that is always full of smiling faces with such an eclectic array of personalities.  These are the families you seek to get snowed in with because there is never a dull moment, always a fun project or baking concoction, a full house for movie night, and explosive family game nights that make "mandatory family fun nights" look as lame as they sound.  Even their arguments seem to be more lively, enlisting the small community of the family to diffuse the situation.        

Consequently my parents have always said that the one regret they have looking back on their lives together is not having been open to more children.  This is common for parents who fall into the social trap of a first world country in which children are expected to have designer clothing, drive a new car as soon as they receive their learner's permit, and attend the college of their choice paid for courtesy of the savings account that was started at their birth.  These perks are all very nice, but certainly not necessary and sometimes detrimental to the independence and work ethic of the child, leading to a spirit of entitlement.  Beyond that, the decision to welcome another child into the family should never be determined by the ability to give all of the children the best material assets.  This financial obstacle is usually the biggest in limiting families to smaller numbers, yet these same first world children who "have it all" are often the most depressed and unfulfilled.  

Thankfully my husband and I took this stress and these restrictions out of our lives before our first child was even conceived.  We both agreed that everyone we knew in college who was successful (including ourselves) did it with limited or no assistance from their parents and had to work for it on their own.  We also shared stories of many kids who had a full ride scholarship on their parents wallet and partied their way into an early graduation (without a degree.)  So, for us the priority is on the size of family that we want and not on how we are going to afford the most luxurious vacations, avoid hand-me-down clothes, and make sure that our children are a reflection of our own bank accounts and social status.  

Not all couples are able to have large families, but those who do should be praised rather than scolded.  Large families are certainly a "sign of God's blessing and the parents' generosity" (CCC 2373) and many world religions regard them as rich and overflowing with blessings.  I know that the Catholic Church encourages large families and children responsibly welcomed into a household of love, but I have been curious to explore if anyone has stated where a large family begins and what number is a good number for the sake of the children and the parents.   

In his book 'Men, Women and the Mystery of Love' Edward Sri unlocks the deep insights of John Paul II's 'Love and Responsibility.'  Sri sums up that "the ideal minimum number of children for a family is three."  This is explained further by JPII himself:

 "...it is very important that this human being should not be alone, but surrounded by a natural community.  We are sometimes told that it is easier to bring up several children together than an only child, and also that two children are not a community - they are two only children.  It is the role of the parents to direct their children's upbringing, but under their direction the children educate themselves, because they develop within the framework of a community of children, a collective of siblings." (242-243)

This certainly doesn't mean that an only child or family with two children (like my husband and I came from) will not be functional, adequate, or effective.  What it means is that in "the bond of a common good" siblings help to form one another in charity and when there are three, two are able to serve another as a team.  Growth in love and virtue is deepened as two or more siblings learn to sacrifice for and serve the other.  This partnership is formation for all future friendships, family, and the eternal family of God.     

Gaudium et Spes - The Church in the Modern World